To the creators of Aurosa, ‘Beer for Girls’,
It seems you’ve been rattling the cages of a few angry birds today and you’ve certainly got my perch swingin’. Now I’m no diehard feminist. I mean, I’ll get behind anything that champions GRL PWR but I’m no man-hater and nor do I have any particular desire to lynch the patriarchy. In my humble opinion, female independence is something that should always be fought for but I’m not one to scream and shout; I take a more introverted approach to changing the world until something really gets my goat and that’s you.
You and your new ‘beer for women’. N’aww.
The product itself, I can laugh off with a certain kind of nonchalance knowing that boneheads behind brands like yours actually have to take yourselves seriously in the mirror each day. I mean, nobody is actually going to buy that shit, right? But what makes the fire in the pit of my innately curvaceous abdomen start a-roaring though is your utterly nauseating marketing campaign. It’s like you’re tickling my gag reflex with a 10-inch cured salami that has been sitting in the blistering Spanish heat for two weeks too long. #BeerForHer? Puke.
I can’t knock you for developing a product you (weirdly) truly believe in (presumably), nor can I really judge your sickly sweet taste in branding and imagery. Ooooh a grey marble and baby pink flat lay featuring ditzy little flowers and pretty white roses – how fucking original. What I can and am shooting you right down to the ground for right now is your downright patronising approach and laughable ignorance.
You describe yourselves ‘’simply’’ (oh cute) as a ‘’brand that wants to offer beer in an elegant and beautiful bottle […] for those women who’s [sic] lifestyles [you] fit’’. Thank the lord I’ll never have to contend with the eyesore that is plain glass bottle without ANY gold embossed typography – imagine the liberty. Nor will I have to struggle with the weight of an overflowing pint glass – (breathes a sigh of relief) – and all at the measly cost of 8 pound fucking eighty six pence for 330ml.
Okay, so the next joke?
Your website also claims that your brand was ‘’born to prove that women can succeed anywhere without having to adapt and sacrifice their natural femininity’’. Oh well thank you very graciously from the bottom of my china heart. No longer will I have to resist the pure orgasmic pleasure of a cold strawberry beer on a scorching day as you have now plugged a gaping void in the market that will save my tits and vagina from dissolving at the mere mention of Budweiser. Praise the heavens!
How will me and my exclusively female friendship circle ever repay you? Answers on the back of a postcard addressed to:
12 Lady Garden,
Take a hike,
Keep walking.
Xoxo
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This bloody ridiculous beer isn’t the only ‘drink’ I’ve been getting mad at recently either. If you head on over to The Mouthful, I’ve been giving them exactly that about the current craze for charcoal this and black ice cream that. I mean, what the fuck is a charcoal latte anyway?
Maybe it’s just some sort of deep seated female repression that’s seeped into my fuchsia pink bloodstream via my poor old suffering ancestors that’s causing me to unleash my raging red beast on the world of progressive beverages. Maybe I just need to calm down, put my furry slippers up and crack open a beautiful bottle of Aurosa #BeerForHer and tend to my cuticles.
I ain’t sticking around here to find out though, there’s a bag of Man Size Yorkie Buttons in the fridge that needs its back doors smashing in.
YES TO ALL OF THE ABOVE